Bachelor Spoiler Alert!!!!

Ok..where do I begin? This week its the the hometown dates and Jake is off to meet the beautiful, albeit extremely insecure Gia in NYC. She decides to take him on a boat tour of "her city". They pose for some ultra cheesy pics on the boat and Gia begins (and never quits) telling him how she's been hurt in the past. You know, how she doesn't trust anyone..blah.blah.blah. ...cut to Jake talking to the camera about how "at ease" he is with Gia, and you KNOW he means it. I mean how can you not trust a man wearing a pooka shell necklace for God's sake!!! Gotta love a pilot who's in touch with his feminine side!

Off to "meet the parents"! Can I just say this. Its been said that if you want to know what a woman will look like 20 years down the road, just look at her mother. Gia's "ma" is a cross between Stevie Nicks and Grace Slick on a good day. I'm just sayin'..... Anyhoo, Donna, Gia's mom tells Jake, "I have to talk to herrr (Gia) everyday. When Gia hurts, I think I hurt more than she does". She proceeds to question our pilot Jake who tells her " I have fallen for four women". She comes away with a really good feeling that Jake is in love with her daughter. WTF???? Yeah, your daughter and three other women. Gia's brother Erick (Eric with a ck) is just worried about Gia getting hurt. For real????? For the love of God, do we see a theme here? She's been hurt,...she's been hurt and oh did I mention, she's been hurt? YAWWWWWNNNN...............We end with Gia and her mom having a heartfelt talk. Gia's mom leaves her with some stellar advice. "Reach for those starrrrrs, but make sure you have one foot on the ground, so then you don't fall". Ahhhh...priceless! The date ends with Jake and Gia sitting on a stoop sharing a romantic (forced, awkward) kiss. On to the next girl!!!

Passengers secure your seats for landing, Captain Nerd Jake is going to visit Ali in her hometown. The date starts out really sweet, you know, he sees her, she sees him and they run towards each other's arms. They talk about mundane things that people in love talk about; the changing of the Seasons, making wishes, her dead grandma. What???? Ali decides that in order for Jake to really get to know and love her he'll have to go and visit her dead grandma's house. Ahhh....sooooo romantic...NOT!!!! Kinda like, oh yea, while we're at it honey, let's go take a tour of her home complete with a creepy picture of grandama on the fireplace. Girrrrl, if grandma was here she'd be tellin' you to get out of there and go get some pizza & a bottle of wine with that fine pilot!!!!!!! She saves face by taking him to meet her family who I must say are very nice, especially mom Beth. You can just tell that all she wants is for her little girl to be happy, and in my book that's always a good thing! She is so genuine and so understated, and when she takes a moment to talk with Jake, you really believe that she is 100% vested in this crazy Bachelor process! Go mom go!!! Date ends with Jake getting the thumbs up and he and Ali say their goodbyes. As usual, in my eyes, it seems like our girl Ali is a little more into Jake than he is to her. She basically tells him that she loves him and that if he asked her to marry him today, she'd say "yes". He smiles awkwardly. He kind of asked her mom for her blessing if he chooses Ali, but is a long way off from asking in earnest. Just hoping Ali doesn't get her sweet little stylish heart broken. (How cute did she look in her layered plaid shirt and white trench?) I'm just sayin'........

Next up, sweeeeeeeet, baby voiced Tenley!!! OMG...running through the proverbial field to Jake shouting "we're in Oregon"! Ughhhh...she's so sweet its almost annoying, but hey, look at Jake, he's so annoying. Could be a perfect match. Now, here comes possibly the most awkward, nerdly moment in the entire Bachelor series. We're talking 10 years here people. Tenley takes Jake to her ballet studio where she does a specially choreographed "love dance" to that classical song they play at Christmas to sell luxury cars. He is blown away...LMAO...he feels so lucky that Tenley chose to share this with him. I mean after all, she never shared this with her big bad ex husband. Jake said he was just melting looking at her dance...(I think he was envisioning her on a shiny new pole) ahhh...so sweet! They go to meet her family where the general concensus is, yep, you guessed it..Tenley has had such a hard time. We all just want her to be happy. Love it when her mom warns Jake about her "emotional spillovers" relating to her divorce. "Emotional spillovers?" Who says that? and what does that entail? Again, RUN JAKE RUN!!!!! But to be fair, her father seems like such a straight up nice guy who is genuinely concerned about his daughter that I may just start rooting for Tenley! Love when he tells Jake that he saw him on The Bachelorette and wished that Tenley could meet him or "someone just like him." KARMA at its best!!!!

On to Viennnnaaaland!!!!! OMG...Can we say backwoods of the Everglades? I mean, this girl is a peronna. She tries to act so sweet and level headed and she is a total lie. I love when she says that she grew up on the river and then she sees a baby turtle on a log, and she shrieks "OMG, Holy Cow...look!". Can we say F.A.K.E.? On to Daddy dearest. Cue the theme song from Deliverance....this guy (Daddy) loves his little girl...can we say EWWWWWWW!!!!!!! Every interaction between Vienna and Daddy is extremely uncomfortable and awkward, right up to the scene where she and Jake are making out in her childhood bedroom (I mean yuk! who actually does that?) and Daddy pokes his head in, just to check on things. CREEPER!!! Vienna tells us that "she's a Daddy's girl, and he would never let anything happen to me". Wonder if he knows that she basically stole from her last husband (an Iraq war veteran) and cheated on him with one of his best friends!! Daddy tells Jake that she is his princess and if Jake marries her, "she'll have the house cleaned and raise the kids for him". Awww, so Sweeeet...did she do that for you Dadddddy???? LMAO!!! Date ends with Jake & Vienna sucking face...blah, blah, blah.

Next, out of left field Ali comes to Jake's poorly appointed hotel room (what happened to the posh suites?) She tells him that she has a real dilemma. She either has to quit her job and stay in the competition, or go back home to her job. She really wrestles with the dilemma and is looking for a sign from wormy Jake who only says "do what you think is best". She tells him that she'll let him know at the rose ceremony. Saddest thing ever is when she leaves his hotel room and literally collapses in the hallway. She knows..."he's just no that into you".

Rose ceremony comes and girls file in. Chris Harrison walks in and Ali requests permisssion to speak with him. He takes her to Jake where this poor (now visibly drunk) girl proceeds to mumble about why she should go...or stay...or "I just don't know". All the while our usually stylish Ali is looking like a complete drunk mess. She looks so sad, I just want to hug her and tell her he's not worth it. Cut to Jake pulling her legs across his lap (his trademark move with all the ladies) and asking her how she feels. Fumbling, um, mumbling, crying, then sighing. Says she has to go. Poor girl. I think that she figured out that she was not going to be top two and decided to leave on her own terms. She probably should have just done it sober. Oh well..we've all been there, done that! You go girl!! My money is on Ali to be the next Bachelorette!! Who knows, maybe she'll even meet a real man!

Bottom line, Ali voluntarily leaves. Jake feigns despair, halfway crying outside on the polished brass railing as he sends her off in the limo. Then presto, he goes inside and Chris tells the ladies that they'll be no rose ceremony, Ali has chosen to leave. Jake says he's "so happy he doesn't have to hand out roses." Girls all giggle excitedly. Aww, so nice to see he's so shook up about Ali leaving. Our bachelor happily toasts the three remaining girls and announces that next week, they're off to San Lucia.

I would, and will still say "stay tuned for next week", but something very interesting has come to my attention. This Blonde has it from an extremely reliable source that this is how things will go down. Jake will send Gia home next week. The final Rose Ceremony comes down to Tenley & Vienna, and say it ain't so, but in the end, JAKE CHOOSES EVIL, CONNIVING VIENNA!!!!!
Why is it that the pond sucking version of the female species attach themselves to perfectly nice, availbale men? All I have to say is, in the words of Hall & Oates, "Whoa here she comes, look out boy she'll chew you up. She's a man eater".

And so it goes, another season of the Bachelor that will end with two people vowing their love for one another and all of us knowing as they say in Texas "that dog won't hunt". Another unhappy, happy ending.

Oh well, stick with this Blonde and I'll keep you posted.

and no matter what, always remember to BELIEVE~~~~~